Only Fans & Horses

[Verse 1: Marky B & Connor John]
Oi, Marky, you’re a plonker
No I’m not, mate, I’ve been on the vodka
I’ve been in the pub, chatting to a few birds
I’ve been wheeling and dealing, tryna make a date for my todger
Looking for a bird I can conquer
Came so good, they better give me an Oscar
I’ve been wheeling and dealing
Tryna put plants in the ceiling, do you want a lodger?
Oi, Connor, lovely jubbly
Wanna make a million so I can sit comfy
Tryna make a wage all over the country
I’m acting a plonker, you’re acting a numpty
I’m a wheeler, dealer, fit bird teaser
Your bird’s stealer, love a three-wheeler
Can I go deeper? I’m a wheeling, dealing man, nice to meet ya

[Chorus]
Stick a pony in me pocket
I’ll fetch the suitcase from the van
‘Cause if you want the best ones
But you don’t ask questions
Then brother, I’m your man
‘Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
It’s like the changing of the seasons
And the tides of the sea
But here’s the one that’s driving me berserk
Why do only fools and horses work?
[Verse 2: Marky B & Connor John]
Yo, Connor, wanna buy this strimmer?
I’ll sell you it cheap, you’ll be onto a winner
Nah, Marky, the thing’s antique
Not worth one wrap, I’ll chuck that in the river
Yo, Connor, wanna buy this caravan?
I’ll leave a wage, have it sold in an hour, man
Nah, Marky, the trailer’s a ringer
But I wanna use it when I go shag Carol-Ann
Yo, Marky, I mean Rodney
Stop tryna sell me ringered up goods
Yo, Connor, I mean Del Boy
Everything’s ringered when you’re from Bradford
I wanna wrap money in elastic
Notes that are plastic, moves that are drastic
I wanna make money in a house next door
What I mean, grow weed, not Mr Boombastic

[Chorus]
Stick a pony in me pocket
I’ll fetch the suitcase from the van
‘Cause if you want the best ones
But you don’t ask questions
Then brother, I’m your man
‘Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
It’s like the changing of the seasons
And the tides of the sea
But here’s the one that’s driving me berserk
Why do only fools and horses work?